Once Upon a Time 2×18 “Selfless, Brave and True”

Are they kidding me with this?  At least this one wasn’t boring.  On the other hand, it wasn’t really better for it and that’s tough to do.  SPOILERS:

1. I believe all the flashback!August can be summarized like so: He was even more of an idiot than even I expected.  This is also tough to do at this point and not really better for it.  This is clearly the secret name of this episode-“Tough to do, but no better for it.”

2. To be less summarizey, August was turning back into WOOD.  WOOD!  Like a living wooden puppet!  And he went to…THE HOSPITAL!?!?  Nevermind his ethics, for that act of stupidity alone he deserved to be tasered.  However, it wasn’t alone, because the second you know he actually went around TRYING to show normal, everyday people that he’s turning back into a giant wooden puppet (*headdesk*) and found out no one normal could see it, than it makes his act of trying to make a big reveal of his woodiness to Emma in order to convince her of things, and subsequent surprise at Emma’s lack of seeing woodiness, INFINITELY MORONIC.  I CANNOT EVEN.

3. If that guy was supposed to be Mushu from Mulan, than I officially call that these show’s writers must all have a secret vendetta for that movie for some reason.

4. They realize that arrow shooting song is also used in “10 Things I Hate about You”, which also features angry/confused women shooting arrows, right?  That cracked me up.

5. Yes, clearly the ability to project your own deep personal issues onto someone else and push them into all sorts of things they’re not ready for just for your own peace of mind is DEFINITELY the shortcut back to being the pure, non-blackened, good side of yourself.  Way to go, Team Snow.  (*glare*)

6. It is plain that the writers don’t even care about the Owen/Regina dynamic.

7. I desperately wanted Regina’s speech about juice cleanses to end with “Apple juice, of course.”

8. WHY IS THERE NOTHING ELSE I CAN SAY ABOUT REGINA THIS EPISODE?  TOUGH, AND THE OPPOSITE OF BETTER FOR IT.

9. At this point I’m just going to start making up my own legend/fairy tale/mythic tie-ins.  For instance, someone rewatch the last episode and find out how many pieces of apple daddy Kurt ate at Regina’s house-that’s how many years she kept him in the asylum to punish him.

10. So, that whole huge deal August made last episode about needing magic in order for the woodiness to not kill him-which they REFERENCED this episode by saying that he couldn’t move at all before magic was restored-is somehow not going to prevent him leaving town?  There’s still no magic outside Storybrooke, right?  August is still all wood, right?  You even JUST REMINDED EVERYONE MULTIPLE TIMES that the reason August needed to help with the curse was so the woodiness wouldn’t kill him through paralysis…..Yet they had August driving out of town-where there is no magic-and….nothing bad happened. (*headdesk headdesk headdesk*)  Bad show!  Bad!

11. I’m sorry, if August had time to say “Emma” twice he could have spit out “Tamara” no problem.  Sadly, he’s been shown to be such a colossal idiot this episode that what happened is, indeed, believable.

12. Yes, the obvious way to fix everything is to put people back in time with NO memory of what they did wrong, so they will be unable to learn from their past actions.  Uh-huh.

13. You know what?  The end of this one was such a huge mess I don’t even think it’ll be satisfying to point out all the different things that went into making it so.  Let’s just stop here.  There’s plenty enough to headdesk and be upset about without getting any closer to the Tamara or August endings here.

Is this one of those things where someone’s getting kicked off the show so they’re doing their best to leave it in the worst shape possible right before they’re forced to leave?  It’d explain a lot.

Once Upon a Time 2×17 “Welcome to Storybrooke

See, this is exactly the episode I did Not want to see.  Spoilers in the reasons why:

 

1. See, this kind of monotony is exactly why the show started AFTER Emma showed up.  It is Boring.  I was bored then.

2. If Regina is also bored, as she seems to be, she doesn’t have to keep doing the same thing day after day-that’s the reward of having her memory.  Is she really that unimaginative?  No, but this episode was.

3.We know it took Regina maybe a week to get that bored, which is ridiculous.  We know this because Kurt and Owen arrived right after Storybrooke’s creation.  So, about a week into her 28 year curse, Regina’s discovered that what would truly make her happy is a child.  Henry was 8 when Emma showed up.  Mr. Gold, without his memories, might take…shall we say a year at the most to get Regina a child once she’s asked him?  So that leaves us with a swiftly discontented, lonely Regina who’s been shown exactly what she wants within the first fortnight of the curse and…she does nothing about it for 19 years?  Nineteen YEARS?  Come on, people!  This is all just nonsense.

4. By the by, that Owen thing’s another mark for “All Mothers Die” being the true secret name of this series.

5. I never want to see Lana Parilla standing there looking helpless because the writers and directors couldn’t think of anything for her to do while two men struggle.  Ever.  But it’s particularly heinous when her character is, in fact, the one with all the power as she is in this episode when Graham originally tries to arrest Kurt for drunk driving.  That was character assassination by negligence.

6. That curse Regina so conveniently found that so conveniently would get her both of the things she’s been craving forever, that came at the most convenient time is too…what’s that word?  CONVENIENT.  Where was Gold stepping out into the writers’ room and announcing, “You didn’t think it’d be that easy, did you?” when it counts.

7. Also, Gold was the one standing strong and victorious at the end of last episode-all he gets to do this one is roll over and be a guard dog?  That’s just not good television.

8. So, how exactly did Greg get Regina’s cell number?

9. For that matter, how did stalker Greg manage to have no reaction at all to the name Storybrooke or seeing Regina as precisely herself, as opposed to simply reacting to magic?  I call bull.  Total bull.

10. This thing where Regina does the right thing at Henry’s bequest and Henry immediately goes to the other side…I feel I have ranted on this before.  It’s the worst possible handling.  Even worse, in this instance it didn’t even make sense.  Henry clearly felt equally upset at both sides and Regina’s the one who actually stood up and gave him what he asked for.  It would have made far more sense for his character to hug her first.

11. If Henry needs to be out of the way but won’t go to New York, I strongly advocate he spend his days with Granny and Ruby.  No one’s tougher than them and they can teach him how to make all the delicious pancakes he can eat.

12. See, these times when people are depressed and won’t get out of bed and turn suicidal is generally when you call in folks like Dr. Hopper.  Seriously, no one takes that cricket for anything, do they?  It’s just sad.

13. Lana Parilla did rock the ending.  Sadly…it was after 40 minutes of things I can’t care about and I couldn’t muster up the will to care by that point.

It’s sad.

Oz the Great and Powerful

This movie was a monumental disappointment.  Its plot was so devoid of any substance it can be summarized spoiler-free, simply by reciting a list of gender offensive stereotypes:

-Blonde girls are good, dark haired ones are bad.

-Women who show initiative and take charge are evil, those who wait around for a man to come and take charge are good.

-Any sexual impurities utterly ruin the female’s character for the rest of her life, while the male party has no need to acknowledge responsibility or take part in shame, but on the contrary has his personality confirmed as good and he is awarded the “good,” pure girl.

-Little white girls are saviors who refine character, particularly when they’re in pain.

-Everything with women comes down to looks.

 

So much for what the plot entailed.  What it did not contain also harmed it, as it failed to answer any questions or add any unpredictable story layers to its cannon.  There is no mention of ruby slippers or where they came from, no explanation for why water is the Wicked Witch of the West’s kryptonite, no description of the flying monkey’s relationship with people…..nothing interesting.

 

Even from a visual standpoint, “Oz the Great and Powerful” disappointed.  In a world littered with iconic visuals like the chilling appearance of the Wicked Witch in the Emerald City and the first time Dorothy sees Oz’s projection, this movie offered: bright colors, a stunning visual of China Town they put onscreen for all of 10 seconds, and visually interesting opening credits.  That’s it.  Even the costumes were decidedly unmemorable, except for what color they were.

 

In short, “Oz the Great and Powerful” contains absolutely nothing worth seeing, let alone paying for.

My Patch

There’s a patch where I am found;

Dreams wrapped safely all around

Where I can see strength stretch far as the sea

And promise is nothing but the air around me

 

 

As simple as that-a breath in, warmth out

All the birds call what can be

Sweetness seams bright color about,

Ensconced, still, closed-can be free.

 

 

Patches float in winds and gales,

Snow and rain drench my place into scales.

The weight of the world is heavy to heft,

And it’s hard to hold to worn pieces left.

 

 

As simple as that-tear in, wear out

All the whispers chant all’s not what it was

Mending’s sharp work, through hearts and out,

Moving, flowing, with a too-thin because.

 

 

Resting, color seeps back in with hope,

In cracks called sleep, beauty, and scope-

With pens, with words, with notes and tears,

An answer tucks itself around tired fears.

 

 

As simple as that-balm in, bleed out

All limbs know when healing to heed

Life is strange work, always on a new route

Finding, loving, holding-so much to need.

 

 

There’s a patch I know is mine,

Even when it becomes hard to find.

A place that still answers to my heart,

Although new lines score across every part.

 

 

As simple as that-me in, patch out

Closer than cloaks and warmer than wool,

Patchwork protects my hope from my doubt

Hoping, believing, patches life full.

 

 

There’s a patch where I am found;

Dreams wrapped safely all around

Where I can see strength stretch far as the sea

And promise is nothing but the air around me

 

 

As simple as that, breath in-warmth out,

And the future can turn into what I would be,

With love to grow and dreams to sprout,

We’ll undo the  seam between my patch and me.

Once Upon a Time 2×16 “The Miller’s Daughter”

Now, this-THIS is the kind of episode I’m talking about!  *applauds*  SPOILERS AHEAD:

 

1. Rose McGowan was absolute perfection as young Cora.  She had a matter of minutes to take everyone on a journey, make Cora’s life understandable, make her death meaningful, and add more layers to Rumplestiltskin and Regina.  She hit a home run.

2. Granted, her story was not as perfect as the acting.  It’s hard to think there wouldn’t be a separate entrance for deliveries, particularly ones like flour that generally go to the pantry/kitchen area.  The straw into gold claim was…not great.  But she sold it so well I don’t even care.

3.  Rumplestiltskin sure does know how to make a girl feel powerful.  Mixing this gift of power with his attraction and affection would definitely make it harder for someone like Cora to understand the benefits of love on its own, without being intertwined with power.

4. It is very clear to me why Cora’s loving embrace did not affect the Dark One’s powers the way Belle’s kiss did in Fairy Tale Land: Cora loved him as the Dark One.  If anything, her kisses would keep him the Dark One, not efface it.  Belle loved him in spite of being the Dark One.  Hence, her true love’s kiss could turn him into the man she saw him as.

5.   Snow became real again this episode.  It was highly abrupt-if only she could have used that gift for persuasion on Regina at their meeting in the diner before the dagger was found, this could have all been different.  It was highly poetic justice for Cora-her first offer to corrupt Snow and achieve one of her vengeful goals comes true so as to kill her and parallel Snow’s pain in Regina.  Cora needed to die for many reasons, including the show’s pacing.  With Cora in the works there are just too many villains running about throwing off any sort of balance of power and absolutely wrecking Regina’s role.  Snow could never really have controlled Cora through her heart-she has enough sense to know that Cora would get it back somehow and it would all just start again.  Additionally, she probably knows that if she touched Cora’s heart she wouldn’t be able to keep from smothering it.  Most of all, Snow felt how ultimately unsatisfying it would be to kill a woman without a heart.  Cora was already bereft of everything Snow cares about-in order to really exact revenge Cora needed to die with her heart intact.  Rumplestiltskin did not really play a part in Snow’s calculations when she was acting.  He had shown her a path that gave her everything she ultimately wished about Cora-Snow had to carry it out that way because it was the perfect death for Cora, saving Rumplestiltskin’s life had no part in the thought process once she began.  I doubt Regina had much to do with it either-Regina could reach Cora and replace the heart.  Snow would never be able to get that close.  It was as simple as that.

6. Gold’s deathbed call to Belle was perfect, as was his simple follow-up with Bae.  It was the best way for Bae to start mending his relationship with his father.

7. Cora died wonderfully.   I’ve been thinking a more accurate name for this show might be: “All Mothers Die.”  Eva, Cora, Ruby’s mom, Mila, Gepetto’s mom, Jefferson’s wife, Hansel and Gretal’s mom, Cora’s mom is presumably dead, Snow’s chance to really be a mother to a child was killed so symbolically Snow-as-mother died, between giving up Henry originally and the current split from her lie, Emma’s motherhood is still at least not well, Regina’s ability to be a mother is questioned and denied constantly, even mother figures like Johanna get flung out of buildings…   The only mother who I think has escaped the curse is Cinderella and she’s not really in the show.  Plus, pretty much all the main storylines are running on mother deaths-Snow’s motivation, Regina’s motivation, Rumple’s arching misery, etc.  Ergo, “Once Upon a Time….All Mothers Die.”

8. I just adore it when Gold wins everything in the end.  I am Just Fine with that.  Bring it on, Gold.  It’s gonna be good.

Once Upon a Time 2×15 “The Queen is Dead”

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. As “Bae was a Lost Boy” was always my go-to acceptable reason for his age, I suppose it can be permissible, although really-they cannot take much longer before giving us details.

2. I really love the fact that good queen Eva got the sparkly red gown while Regina appears in the white dress (in the genie episode).

3. Little Snow’s sparkly pink party dress is the ultimate Disney marketing ploy.

4. Mrs. Patmore/Johanna is ALWAYS appreciated by her beneficent masters!

5. How could Snow not know people made it to Storybrooke?  There is seriously not enough reunions and searchings going on since the curse broke.  This is Gus being murdered and no one else from Cinderella showing up all over again!  Shame on everyone.

6. FINALLY, finally Gold has placed magical protection on his shop.  I am SO relieved.

7. When Snow said she had a plan to make Cora distrust her mother I thought she was going to, you know, start talking to her about her mother.  No one likes being told you’re wrong-and-I’m-right OR do-what-I-say-or-else and Snow did BOTH before even introducing anything about Cora to the conversation.  She could have used Henry, she could have used facts she remembered about Cora, she could have done So. Much. Better. in her mission.  But no, she got preachy and I wouldn’t blame Regina if for that reason alone she stopped considering crossing Cora.  The real issue here isn’t weather good wins, it’s weather you can figure out how to be good while still being considerate enough to get over yourself and talk to people, rather than preaching at them or beating them over the head with platitudes.

8. I love the dagger’s hiding place.

9. Seriously, Cora made Regina do the digging when they were searching for the buried dagger, rather than magicing it up?

10. The Blue Fairy continues to be utterly useless at anything other than saying “this is the last of its kind” and often being wrong.

11. So…how exactly did Hook find Gold?  Is he also an excellent tracker now?

12. Seriously, no one thinks to text Gold or Emma again about this your dagger’s been taken issue?

13. Is anyone seriously surprised about Cora’s engineering of queen Eva’s death?  Or anything else?  I could have done with other flashbacks this episode, although I did love the costuming.

14. On Cora-honestly, her death is the best possible shot at happiness for….everyone, up to and including her.  Killing her should be everyone’s logical priority for the side of good winning, not Snow’s crisis of faith about good being workable.

15. I am very much looking forward to the tale of the Miller’s Daughter, though.