“The Ghost of Harrenhal” GoT 2×5

Well, this is just getting ridiculous.  Why?  Check the spoilers.

 

1.Killing off Renly that quick, in such a plotpoint, cheating way feels nothing but contrived, forced, and because it happened so fast without even the drama of a fighting chance, laughable.  One of the best nominees for king is dead and I’m gaping at the screen going, really?  If all you needed was a good assassin, surely you could’ve found a human one or three?  I still didn’t get a good look at the holy hell thing, and I went through trauma, TRAUMA, I say, watching that thing get born-I deserve a decent once-over.  Also, I expected something rather more terrifying that a slick, one-man job done with efficiency and discretion from something that a) came from the woman whose catch-phrase is “The night is dark and full of terrors,” b) caused me head-trauma on its delivery, c) clearly has the capacity to do an awful lot more-seems wasted, and d) IS A HOLY HELL ABOMINATION.  CAN’T A WOMAN GET A DECENT THRILL OR HORROR OUT OF A HOLY HELL MONSTER ON THIS, OF ALL SHOWS?  I mean, really-teenage Joffrey is running around psycho, Theon is the cause of all kinds of mental horrors, there’s rat-torture porn, and the frigging shadow-terror of the crazy priestess can’t do better than this?

 

2. At least Margaery’s still in the game.  Why do we need Baelish here, again?  Seems to me the girl always knew how to survive-she was working on Loras before Baelish got there.  Did we just need a man’s voice or something?  Let Margaery shine-we don’t need no Littlefingers here.  Although he did take screentime away from the awfulness that is Natalie Dormer’s dress, which is good.  Also, I do note that Margaery and Stannis share a penchant for using the precisely accurate word.

 

3. Jaqen is officially awesome.  However, he is becoming a close friend of Arya’s.  Perhaps her curse has been shifted to work in her favor this season?  After all, Gendry got away.  A woman wants to speak like him now.

 

4. Dany’s grappling once more with cultural divides.  This is the most interesting part of the show, right now.  Unfortunately, it rapidly falls to the ploy of the guy who got her into Qarth proposing.  It seems very Beauty-and-the Beastish considering she’s stuck in his home, with his things, and he’s offering her wealth and ‘freedom’ of mobility if she weds him.  Unfortunately, something about the lines in these scenes just didn’t feel real to me.  Perhaps the idea that everyone else knows more than her?  Her maid said to expect a proposal from the guy and suddenly he’s there, proposing.  Some alien-looking guy knows how to do tricks that clearly other people are familiar with.  A mysterious woman shows up with cryptic clues.  Suddenly I’m in a fairy tale!  And while I love fairy tales, it’s not the same as being in an epic fantasy story with grit, and certainly not the amount of politics and battles as this story.  There’s a big disconnect for me there-this just felt separate and off.

 

5. I still have no reason to care about Brienne.  Also, the wording of her assessment of Catelyn strikes me as very conventionally sexist, which is odd considering the source and makes even the most token women-are-strong-too character a supporter of traditional ideas in this regard.  Also, why is Catelyn still talking about going home?  She’s got more to be worried about with Robb now with Stannis’ new army that she just appeared in opposition to than ever.  This whole scene just feels like wasted time to me.  So, the bodyguard wants revenge for the murdered king that slurred her honor.  Why do I care?

 

6. Maybe we should just follow Sam’s adventures when we’re with the Night Watch.  This scene just showed how clearly Sam has a personality and could be fun to watch, while Jon Snow does nothing but mope around, ever.  New Night Watch guy seems to know a lot.  Can we just not use ravens this side of the wall?  It seems like everyone over here knew everything the folks at the wall should’ve known for a long time.

 

7. Aha!  Jaqen completed his first promise!  See how that happened without disturbing labor scenes or random holy monsters?  A man killed another man.  Simple.  Plus, we’re convinced he can do it again, in less convenient circumstances.  Imagine that.  I officially do not forgive this show for putting me through that labor scene-just get another awesome man who can assassinate like Jaqen, or possibly even a woman. Just because it’s fantasy doesn’t mean it has to get ridiculous.  Or ridiculously convenient.

 

 

 

 

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“Garden of Bones” GoT 2×4

WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK?  LITERALLY.  Also, spoilers.

Dear Robb, are you trying to switch from here to being a prince in Ever After?  You clearly share taste in girls, going by the nurse’s ranting.  Good on you for remembering to always send the direwolf in first, winning, refusing torture, and being helpful, though.  However, what do you mean you have no idea what to do if you win the war?  I do not have the time to educate you on this and you won’t have time to figure it out later.  At the very least plan out who to delegate finding a proper plan for that to.

Dear scriptwriters, why is it always a leg amputation?  Couldn’t it at least be an arm sometimes, so it doesn’t get so old?

Dear Joffrey, why?  You could’ve been interesting as the only really necessary requirements for you to be villainous here are to be a bastard and side with Cersei.  Why must you go all psycho?  I imagine you and Christian Bale from American Psycho could have a grand, old time.

Dear Sansa, very good!  Hold the party line!  I’m impressed.

Dear Natalie Dormer, what the hell are they making you wear?  That dress looks like the bottom two result of a Project Runway assignment for something avant garde who thinks making stupid necklines is the way of the future and really wanted to use gold gold somewhere but didn’t get enough fabric for the original idea, so just added the ridiculous flower things at the armpits.  And was that blue leopard print???

Dear Baelish, go study Shakespeare’s Richard III.  He could’ve gotten Jaime and a betrothal to Catelyn, too.  Go on.  Shoo.

Dear writers, who are ‘the brotherhood’?  Why add all the new prisoners to the batch of old ones when you know they won’t know anything you want to know?  If you really want to know this, why just one a day?  Just to stall so the main characters can be saved?  Cause I don’t approve of that.

Dear Tywin, much love, as always!  I’d like it if you put a shrewder man in charge of your operation here, but I understand-this is your Isengard and sometimes you’ve just got to send out orcs and hope they don’t mess up or eat all your prisoners instead of bringing you things alive and unspoiled.  I look forward to more of your company.

Dear Renley and Stannis, congratulations!  You finally managed to show up in the same episode!  At the same time, even!  Renley wins most meta remark for noting that a battle between folks with the same standard would be ‘terribly confusing’.  Stannis wins a point in his comments to Catelyn.

Dear Daenerys, maybe you could let Jorah talk for you once in awhile.  Or at least point out that you’re not Dothraki?  Or perhaps negotiate for having food and water sent out if they’re that adverse to letting Dothraki in?  I know it worked out, but that was alll luck, girl-that guy didn’t have to step up for you.  You had other options is what I’m saying here, and you didn’t seem to think you had any more.  Think.  You get a pass this time due to dehydration and hunger.  Also, because the guy who stepped up for you did a good job spinning that well by calling it, “breathing fire.”

Dear Tyrion, very fun and a much better impression of Shakespeare’s Richard III than Baelish.  I hope you’re not planning to trust that kid too far, though-he reminds me of Wembley Fraggle.  Blonde hair, noisy, unable to stick to decisions, goes along with everyone else…he even looks side to side in a similar way when he’s flustered.  What’s wrong with him, is he not really a Lannister?  *raises brow*  Also, good one with ‘anointed’.

Dear ‘Onion Knight’, what’s with that name?  More importantly, WHY ARE YOU NOT RUNNING?  OR SCREAMING?  Or throwing the lamp on the…holy hell thing?

Dear Melisandre, WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL?  I thought “dark and full of terrors” was supposed to describe what happens to your enemies, not, ya know, YOUR LOINS!  Wait…is that why having sex with her equals giving oneself to her god?  Because he’s INSIDE OF THERE and will then have access to anointing  you, or injecting your veins with the drugs, when your dick is also inside her?  I need to not be watching this anymore right now.

“What is Dead May Never Die” GoT 2×3

I like riddles!  Beware of Spoilers:

 

Dear Bran, excellent work!  A shape-shifting shaman is exactly who I wish you to become, don’t believe a word to the contrary!

 

Dear Catelyn, have you forgotten everything about diplomacy and negotiation since last season?  You show up, interrupt a tournament, don’t follow proper courtesy towards kings even though you remark to Robb that Renley should be called ‘king’ now shows you know better, and snark to him in front of everyone.  Wow, I wonder how your mission will turn out.  Perhaps Filch leaked it all out of you last season when you had to betroth everyone.

 

Dear Brienne, you had better become more significant later because right now you seem very token.

 

Dear Theon, finally you inspire a positive reaction from me!  Perhaps you should just stick to yelling all the time instead of going back to snark.  I have to say, I am more surprised you actually wrote a warning letter to Robb than that you burned it.  Of course, I had you pegged for betraying him from the second you opened your mouth last episode, but now I actually see your point.  The Starks never really accepted you as one of their own, they never made you feel as if you belonged.  On the other hand, if you impress your father you will feel you belong again, which you’d long to do in any case, and if you succeed with his cause then you’ll be king after he’s dead.  I mean, you’ll have to kill your sister probably, but you feel like doing that anyway right now.  Of course, your family’s life is rough, but let’s face it-things are rough everywhere these days.

 

Dear Tyrion, finally I see the wonderful character others have long spoken of!  The plan was marvelous, although rather obvious.  Also, I’m a bit surprised that Baelish managing to find out about the Varys story didn’t seem to be a thing.  I expect more devious plans from you next time.

 

Dear Marjorie, you are awesome!  I kindof just want to give you the whole game as you are the only person here who knows how to really enjoy herself in unconventional circumstances.  Or who knows how to be perky or sunny at all ever, let alone while still understanding the whole situation she’s in.  Natalie Dormer, I already love you here and I couldn’t get into you as Anne Boleyn at all!

 

Dear Knight of the Flowers, what happened to your awesomely intricate and shiny armor?  Also, do you have to be so passive-aggressive about things?

 

Dear Yoren, congratulations on meeting the Gondor boys death equation!  An arrow, a lance, and a sword=three arrow wounds, which is the necessary number for killing a Gondor brother.  The kneeling and facial expressions give it the Boromir style, as well.  Well done!  Just the appropriate way to end your mission to save Boromir’s daughter!  And it was also done to allow two young, shorter folk to get away from the villains, but was vain.  Perhaps they’re taking the children to Isengard!

 

Dear Arya, I forgive you as you have managed to save Gendrey by quick thinking and what must be quite sharp eyesight.

 

Dear Renley, glad to see you!  However, I notice there was no Stannis this episode.  IS there a rule about the two of you ever appearing in the same episode?

“The Night Lands” GoT 2×2

Okay, this one just feels like stalling.  Via sex.  Which is expected, but still-I feel like the first episode gave such good, meaty information and this one is a snack instead of a meal in comparison.  Although a really tasty snack, if you like the sexual stuff.  Anyhow, spoilers:

 

On Arya: I am upset that she seems to be losing her smarts.  Couldn’t match the conversational ability of Third-person dude in the cage, told Gendry right off the bat that she was somebody worth finding for the Lannisters, failed to ask how he knew she was a girl so she could avoid whatever the mistake is with others, told Gendry more than he needed to know right away…If those two ever get romantic with each other I will be Very. Disappointed.

 

On Shae: I am also disappointed with Shae for talking to Varys, but still hold out some hope that she knows what she’s doing and simply wants to have maneuverability in case Tyrion’s ship goes down.

 

On Tyrion: You win best line this episode for voicing everyone’s thoughts about Cersei ripping up every piece of paper she’s ever given.  Put her in a library-she’ll have a heart attack.

 

On the Night Watch and Daenerys: Everything that happened here was very predictable.  Something has got to actually happen, already.  By that, I mean something that actually moves along in a story arc and drives either character or events that take more than 60 seconds.

 

On Cersei: Am I the only one who always thought Joffrey was behind the bastard killing?  Also, what does it say about this show when the phrase, “when you came out of mother, ripping her” brought to mind mother-son incest initially and I had to think for a minute to ascertain that this wasn’t a new Lannister-incest storyline we were learning about and remember what actually did occur with Tyrion and his mom?

 

On Theon: To be fair, your life does kindof suck.  On the other hand, you were so incredibly annoying in every possible way in your encounter with Yara that even the twist that put you in your place wasn’t enough to make me enjoy this segment.  Maybe if she kicks your ass.  Ten times.  On the other hand, if being this irritating is what your character is supposed to be, then congratulations to the actor!  You have made me care enough to sincerely hate you.  That’s a compliment, providing it’s who you’re supposed to be.

 

On Salladhor: Overall, I really like this guy.  He’s honest, has clear priorities, and a sense of humor.  Besides, he basically played the “good name for a band” line for this world as a reason to go to war!  But the overt playing of the black-man-as-rapist/black-men-want-white-women-particularly-blondes card is galling me.  Add religious guy’s blatant homophobia and this whole scene just sticks in my throat.  I don’t know what to do with it.

 

On Stannis: Wow, not even Mr. Straightlaced can resist sexual wrangling.  In the power-struggle between you and priestess, you just lost.  Have fun with that.  The woman must’ve really wanted to win, though-that map would NOT be a comfortable place for that activity, although I do love huge map tables in general.  Also, she basically just admitted to pushing religious guy to kill his dad, your old advisor/friend type, and you…didn’t catch on or didn’t care enough to not be distracted.  Neither option is permissible in a possible king.  Your potential suitability for the job has thus ended.

 

On Renley: Is there some rule about the two brothers never being shown together?  Supposedly Renley is a big player.  If I’m supposed to stay interested in this world’s politics, I need to be able to check out all the big potential players.  Show me him.

 

On Baelish: I feel for you-you are not making out very well this season.  You had one speech, delivered very well, that didn’t really have much to do with anything.  Plus, your character’s still getting no respect and you seem to be spending so much time with the whores you’re falling behind in the big picture that is the game of thrones.  Also, if you have a beautiful girl who needs to get you something, have you ever considered enlisting her as an outside spy?  I’m sure there are lots of ways the kind of girl you’re talking about could get information.  Probly wouldn’t even have to pay all her travel expenses since she had the sad, damsel in distress thing down so well.  Come on, now.

 

 

 

 

“A Golden Crown” 1×6

It struck me that this episode showed people mainly just protecting their own interests and acting as sensibly as their personalities will let them.  No diatribes about people being idiots this time!  I almost don’t know to react to this episode, what to do with myself.  In any case, here are some thoughts-and spoilers, of course!

 

1. The story about men trying to sleep with a woman from all 7 kingdoms and the Riverlands to “make the eight” gives a whole new meaning to pieces of eight.  I really hope they use pieces of eight in this world, for this reason.

2. If being obsessed with a hooker is all they’ve really got to give Theon scenes, why even bother trying to make us care about him right now?  Surely he does something more worthy of notice later?  Right now I still say he’s just a little brat.

3. Robert actually took charge against Cersei and did his job!  Granted, he ran away to hunt right after, but still!  I love it whenever Robert decides to actually do something!

4. Sean Bean gets to be called Boromir again-he finally broke out of his rut!  Granted, it took Baelish right there leading him by the nose to actually do something that works both honorably and with proper political consequences, but still.

5. What is Baelish’s deal here?  I suppose the involvement of Boromir’s wife’s family gives him strong motive to help him in this instance, but I don’t trust the man.  I love that.  The question is-was it really ‘The Mountain’ who did this?  Did Baelish have something to do with it so he could prod Boromir into making such a move against the Lannisters?  I am excited!

6. Also, good luck to the man sent to bring down The Mountain and confiscate all his stuff.  He’s gonna wind up with some horse heads/possibly his own severed skull in his bed some night soon!

7. Now I’m feelin’ me some Tyrion!  Good on you, little man!  After getting past that whole attempting to explain to Mord “possession is an abstract concept” thing.  Perhaps it would’ve worked out with less beating for you if you’d lead off with some stories about donkeys, honeycombs, and whores.  Just sayin’.

8. The Eyrie is such a cool set!  Let us have more scenes there, please!

9. I get the feeling that we’re supposed to have feelings about Jorah by this time, but it just confuses me.  If his dad’s at the wall and the wall guys don’t get families, how does he even exist?  If his dad went to the wall after having him that’s both the weirdest retirement plan ever and also surely it means his dad abandoned him?  Not Jorah should now worry about dishonoring his dad?  Also, about this slavery business and what Ned has to do with it…I don’t feel this was adequately explained.  There must be more going on with that.  Plus, this pledging to Viserys is just weird.  Is he a spy?  Is he in league with Illyrio for intrigue?  Is till miss Illyrio.  Is he really just hanging out there for Daenerys?  How does he know so much about the Dothraki, anyhow?  I just find him extremely confusing.

10. Of all the pathetic moves Viserys made this episode, I found the saddest to be giving Jorah permission to fuck Daenerys.  Like it’s HIM that’s keeping others from Daenerys’ bed.  There’s also the whole leader of a savage horde who will kill you thing.  There’s that.  But then, Viserys seems to completely not grasp that in all his other actions, as well.  Of course he died.  Riding along with a horde and disrespecting them, threatening their queen.  Either they kill him or he winds up on his own-and that little brat won’t find any other help, so either way he’s dead meat.  It was good that he got such an interesting death, though.   The moment he said “they can’t shed blood in their Holy City” my mind answered “Plenty of ways to kill without shedding blood.”  It was a good one, although I shall miss him.  His presence always amused me on this show.

11. Drogo got LINES!  One even in ENGLISH, finally!  Hurrah!  It helps so much.

12. My favorite scene is the one with eating horse-heart.  I found it the most moving.

13. God bless Sansa’s bitchy little heart, she made me laugh out loud.  We went from picturing 13/14 year old girls as sweet innocents who can still count as adults e.g. Juliet to teenage angsty fools like Sansa.  This is a measure of how deeply the concept of teenagerhood has embedded in our society, in spite of being pretty new.  Even in fantasy worlds that emulate older worlds and times, the teenagers be teens.  Hah.

14. I know Joffrey is a cowardly, lying toad, but the man’s got some style.  He knows how to playact a bit, at least if he’s practiced in advance.  Also, given that he’s engaged to Sansa, winning her over is all to his advantage.  Also, he might actually want his marriage to work out.  He’s been living with Robert and Cersei’s marriage, for goodness sake.  He must know how uncomfortable and grating that would be.  Any way you look at it, his being able to creditably pull off that scene with Sansa, who he feels embarrassed about, makes me like him.  If it’s sincere-he has good parental reasons.  If he’s not-you’ve gotta respect good acting, and honestly I think a good ruler needs it.  If he means it now and quickly goes back on it-well at least he won’t end up in a rut of only seeing the same things, like Ned Stark over there denying everything he doesn’t want to think about.  I like him here.

15. Who were these folks with Bran, the normal northerners?  Cause in that case, the Starks are not doing their job.  Standing around saying “there isn’t this thing” doesn’t work on people inside the show, either.  There’s a panic abroad-that’s your job to fix, fellas!  Or at least focus on sometimes.  Also, Ned-your people need hair stylists.  Please import.

16. Is Bran’s dream with the raven indicative of him having a sideline in magic?  Cause if the white walkers attack and Bran can influence them WITH HIS MIND then that will be awesome.  I call shaman!

17. Syrio is always allowed.

18. People Arya feels close to have a bad habit of dying-or having to be driven away to avoid death, if they are canine.  Is the girl cursed?  Micah, Jory…good thing she’s got sword practiced.  She has so much to vent.  Perhaps it’s a good thing she doesn’t get any closer to Ned.  I bet the second they really connect will directly precede his death.  Bran survived the fall because they were competing against each other.  Sansa will no doubt live to enjoy being queen since Arya dislikes her.  What candidate for the throne does the girl most dislike?  That’ll be the one who gets it….so, Joffrey will sit next on the throne, yes?  Key to the series, right here!  If she ever meets some new character older woman she immediately takes a dislike to, I’m gonna say it’s Snow’s mother.

19. By this world’s genetics my older sister must have a different father.  Also, she must have cheated on my brother-in-law cause the niece’s hair does not match his.  I totally called Jaime being Joffrey’s dad, but really-we had to follow around pretending to be shocked that the whoring king had bastards and look at a freaking lineage book to figure this out through….hair color!?!? *gasp*  I find this to take up too much screentime and, you know, rely too heavily on hair color.  I’m incredibly glad it is now out of the way.

20. Whenever it showed Boromir on the throne in his brown, segmented outfit it looked to me like chocolate bars for a minute.  Then the light would shift on it and show little metal parts, but still.  Chocolate tunic!