The Borgia Bulletin 3×6 (RelicSPOILERS)

This episode is building, all plot, and only one thing made me take the time out to review it instead of going straight on:


Dear Pope Alexander VI, BEEKEEPER!!: This should totally be the new thing-everyone must buy my personal honey or no forgiveness!  All crusaders must pay for a stock of my honey-it’ll keep you blessed in the Holy Land!  Unforgivable suicide, you say?  Bury them with my personal honey and I’ll make it Purgatory!  Keep coming back and anointing their graves with Vatican honey and they’ll get to Heaven just as soon as I get some Treasury fullness!  Plague around and people dropping like flies?  Get Vatican honey and I’ll let you fly away like bees!  See, Rodrigo?  I’m coming up with money ideas for you-wear the beekeeper hat more and I’ve always got your back.  Ahhhhh, I am satisfied.

But also, now that I’m here, Dear Cesare, your time has finally arrived!  Am so glad to see you enjoying it so thoroughly.

Also, Cardinal Newbies, just HAD to battle it out for who has the best “spear” already, eh?  And try to be as sneaky as your predecessors.  *shakes head*  Perhaps you learned nothing from the Banquet of Chestnuts, but in case you forgot-secret writing is Always Problematic.  Battles of Spears always have Losers.  Also, if the Pope wants relics, he’s gonna get relics, don’t stand in his way, fools.  (Cardinal Sforza is a whole different thing, just because he got to deny the Shroud of Turin doesn’t mean you Cardinewbies can go around trying to deny him things.)

Dear Overly Symbolic Fireworks: I think you should be an option on all TV shows now.  Need to liven up a bittersweet love scene?  Get the Overly Symbolic Fireworks in-it’ll be festive without losing or mocking the drama!  Need to keep the flames going between a couple who haven’t got enough screentime for anything sexy?  Fireworks activate!  Endless possibilities, you guys, endless.

Dear Michiletto: Of all fictional characters, I would most like to have you help me babysit children.  Also, I reeeeally want some kind of crossover where you get to hang out with Hannibal Lector (Mads Mikkelson version), because you would be his perfect friend.  Of course, he’d probly be sulky that his perfect friend is gay, the opposite of fancy, and actually liked having a master, but let’s be honest: He’ll want to eat you, you’ll want to fuck him, you’ll ENJOY his mindfuckery and he’ll enjoy your torture-it’s just a match made in Heaven.  Plus, you’re both masters at being behind the scenes, quiet persuasion, and the quiet speeches.  Yeah.  This is happening in my head now.


The time has come to talk about my new favorite show.  This show is an absolute carnival for my mind, full of yelling and bright, beautiful pictures, and things that both excite and scare the fuck out of you.  Also, abnormal food.  I have some thoughts on this and they need to go somewhere.


Prequel: It’s really hard to stop saying “Hannibal” the way they do here:-




1×1 “Aperitif”

1. Mads Mikkelson was born to play this role.  From the second I saw him cast as Hannibal I realized I was going to have to watch it because it was a match made in Heaven.

2. For going around imagining yourself as serial killers, dreaming of quietly levitating corpses and a stag is…really not that bad.

3. I believe Hobbs whispered “See?” to Will because in Hobbs’ mind, cannibalizing other girls because he was freaking out about his daughter going to college is the same as Will freaking out because he doesn’t want her to bleed out and die.  Hence: “See?  You don’t want to let her go, either.  You’ll kill to keep her with you.”

4. I love how the original serial killer is named after the philosopher who literally wrote the book (Leviathan) on how people are awful and selfish.

5. Clearly, Hannibal stuck by Abigail because, as a psychiatrist, staking his claim to the traumatized girl is his best ticket to staying in the FBI loop.

1×2 “Amuse-Bouche”

6. I believe the stag symbolizes Will’s greatest issue of “The inevitability of there being a man so bad that killing him felt good.”  Hence, it directly involves Lector, but does not actually symbolize him directly.

7. We now have the answer for those who feel cannibalistic but are vegetarians!

1×3 “Potage”

8. I love that the show actually does so much research: (Abigail Hobbs is historical)

1×6 “Entree”

9. Dessert for cannibals!:

10. That whole prompting of Jack to tell him about other ponies he’s lost back in “Amuse-Bouche” is a lot more terrible now, eh?

1×7 “Sorbet”

11. Hannibal is for nothing if not hunger relief!

12. Aunt Vivian from Pushing Daisies!  In my head, this actually happens in that universe also, when Vivian and Lily were the popular mermaids and went around in special socializing circles.  Finding out they’d been eating people is part of how they developed social phobias and became shut-ins.

13. Cheese Divination!=

1×8 “Fromage”

14. This and Sorbet are the best things ever.

1×11 “Roti”

15.  Always called that all Alana scenes were real.

16. Perhaps Bedelia is the one Hannibal was having a fling with when his students thought he was having an affair with Alana?