Once Upon a Time 2×13 “Tiny”

Right, this episode sent us right back down into crumbling plots with crumbs that deserve picking territory.  This was for the SPOILER-FULL crumb -picking!

 

1. See, NEWCOMERS SHOULD BE THROWN OFF BY CARS.  How did Hook bypass this?  Cars should be even more dangerous to him since they are more threatening to human-sized folk!

2. Emma is really not doing her job-she knew that was coming.  She could have helped Gold roll up yon scarf and stick it in his pants pocket, or tie it round like a bad belt, or at least warned him about this.  That being said, Gold’s reaction to his scarf/magic problems are perfect and the very best things about this episode.

3. Seriously, people are just letting Hook wander around, leading them places?  You know if Cora really WAS on that ship she’d be waiting with the mother of all booby traps, and Hook would probably know it-you keep him in cuffs or something.  Also, you guys didn’t even pat him down to find out if he had anything useful like, ya know, giant-cage keys on him? You two really do need Emma and her half-ass sheriffing skills.  And you DEFINITELY don’t let him just waltz off to be unmonitored, allowing him to rendezvous with Cora messengers and whatever the hell else.

4.I know I complain about this every time, but…You don’t get to hit on people when you’re justifying your rampages on revenging losing your true love!  Somebody choke him or punch him in the face or something-rib aches are really unsatisfactory-you never actually see it and it just gives him an excuse to make annoying grunting noises while nonsensically smarming around.  For the love of God, just stop it.

5. On this Jacquelyn, there are several points: 1. Hook said “he” when speaking of Jack the Giant Killer and obviously there wasn’t enough time for the story to get warped and misremembered by the time he would have heard it. 2. Did Hook hear it from Cora, or what?  He was in Neverland before that happened!  And Cora would know, but she doesn’t seem like much of a storyteller.  Also, she definitely would have kept in the part about the villain being a woman.  It makes no sense. 3. So now we’re supposed to believe Jacqueline has the stupidity to have her sword engraved with the word “Jack”?  Just no.  4. Tiny told Emma the story of the slaughter-and he pointed to Jacqueline as the big bad, not James.  You’d think he would have mentioned it-he had nothing to do but sit there and babble at her, after all.  Mention all the bad guys you can, guy.  That’s just purposeful obscurity for the show that the character would never actually do, and that is my pet peeve.  Bah!  5. And how did she travel to and from Wonderland?  This is important.  Also, it provides more evidence that Cora would have known about her as a woman and would have no reason to mislead Hook.

6. So, how did Hook escape from Tiny after Emma left, now?  He mentioned something about getting past the stupid giant-we think he let him live?  That’s out of character and not the implication I got from that.

7. On the plus side, the poison on the swords thing does explain why Tiny can’t really clean up the skeleton on his floor or move the sharp sword out of the way.

8. No one tried to call Emma on their cell phone so she could talk Tiny down?  You guys aren’t the ones new to modern technology, at least try these things.

9. If James stole all that treasure to pay back King Midas, how come he was still supposed to kill the beast?  Does he have a gambling problem?  Or King George?

10. Man, Charming’s hands must have killer rope-burns.

11.  It’s now just official that Belle must just remember nothing other than stereotypes about Maine life, not even her time in the asylum.  This makes me very upset, but I’ll be more upset if I keep trying to make it match up and make sense, since that does not appear to be happening, ever.  I shall endeavor to let that go.  For her scene in this episode, however, the lack of continuity made me so ticked off that I can’t even think about anything that’s happening with her and stranger dude.  You know it’s bad when Ruby can’t save a scene.  *le sigh*

Here’s to a Gold-focused episode next week!

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Once Upon a Time 2×6 “Tallahasee”

Otherwise known as “We’re Bringing Flashbacks Back!”

Spoilers:

To Whom It May Concern,

I have some notes.

First, if Neal turns out to be Baelfire I will have to stop watching.  Granted, if Baelfire turns out to be anyone without a decent reason for staying young for hundreds of years, I will have to stop watching.  I do not understand all these people claiming time can move differently-the curse happened, time froze for 28 years in both Fairy Tale Land and Storybrooke.  Ergo, time moves the same.  Also, magic beans claim to be world jumping, not time jumping.  Otherwise we’d have to worry about syncing up with Hook’s Neverland time, etc., and that’s just not going to fly.  Also, the world jumping power of wood, said to work like the beans, spat Emma and Pinocchio out at the same time, Emma came out after the same number of minutes that had passed since Pinocchio went through the wardrobe, etc.  As far as I can tell, there’s lots of evidence to say that time moves the same in Fairy Tale Land-which is also physically UNDER Storybrooke, making it harder to defy laws of space and time, and absolutely no evidence that time might move differently between them.  Acceptable solutions from Baelfire still being alive are: Rumple, with the Dark One’s power over time, charmed his son to stay forever young, Baelfire became a Lost Boy and therefore did not grow up (most advisable, seeing as it will give Hook interesting leverage with Rumple and make that plotline thicker), or Baelfire came across another world-traveler like the Wizard of Oz and got something to keep him going.

Second, I’m impressed August actually did manage to track her down in those circumstances.  I’m sticking with my idea that there’s a connection between August, Neal, and Pleasure Island, and that the box held some magical proof August had been there.  If Neal had been there too he would recognize it and be forced to admit that yes, he had experienced magic.  Alternatively, the White Rabbit possibility has gained watches.  Perhaps August came across something Wonderlandish somehow.  About how he sent Neal the postcard-I feel the show covered this.  August explained he needed magic because he was turning into wood.  Ergo, when magic returned, it made Pinocchio’s woodiness no longer a problem and he could therefore send postcards.  On the issue of August’s high-handedness, well-Pinocchio was never very smart, was he?  It’s true that if Emma was happy in the real world she probably wouldn’t want or need to go looking for another, more magical one.  The end.

 

Third, the writers put no thought whatsoever into that giant story.

1.Turning Jack and the Beanstalk  into Jack the Giant Killer is simply switching tales.

2. Indicating that wars happen with one totally good side and one totally bad one is always overly simplistic, and the details of this one make it absurd.  The giants did have the magic beans, and they do have a lot of treasure.  Are we to not believe they were plundering the worlds?  Perhaps they did it peacefully, perhaps they considered it their right, perhaps they had legal trading rights, but surely they were gathering wealth from the worlds.  Sure, this means FTL probably fought them in order to get the treasure more than anything else, but then-that’s the giants’ motivation too, right?

3. Also, why would the humans want the beans destroyed?  Any way you look at it, that makes no sense.  All around more likely that the giants did destroy them themselves when they were losing-in a just war or not.  Also, they’d be the ones who’d know how to make the beans non-functional but still present.

4. Speaking of which, there’s a way to make the beans non-functional even though they’re physically present?  Those things make less sense all the time.

5.How does giant Hurley eat?  There didn’t seem to be any livestock or agriculture up there, he doesn’t seem like a cooking type, and he doesn’t even have beans anymore.  Does he just spout the magic number and it sustains his life?

6.The cage with the trip wire was giant-sized.  Were there other giants who tried to get Hurley’s treasure back in the day?

7. In what world is it believable that the cage could hold down giant Hurley?  That whole section was ridiculous-the giant had no reason to be afraid or or talk to Emma other than to move the story along.

8. Emma couldn’t ask Mulan how long the poppy powder would keep the giant out?

9. Hurley just left the body of Jack the Giant Killer in the middle of his house until it turned into a skeleton?  If Hurley’d even eaten Jack he wouldn’t still have held his sword like that.  Is that a reminder that humans are killers?  If so, why do you also need to wear a bean-that’s the best reminder right there.  Also, why in the middle of the floor?  Do you never actually look through your treasure?

10. Engraving sword blades is reserved for the name of the SWORD, notes about what the sword entitles its owner to do, and possibly a riddle or instruction.  That is it.  It is NOT for engraving the name of the sword’s wielder.  That’s just ridiculous.  Granted, Jack could’ve  named his blade Jack, but that indicates that he’s vain, unimaginative, and/or extremely fond of bad wordplay jokes.  None of those options make me like this guy no matter what the real story of the Giant wars was.  Am glad he’s dead.

11. Not to mention, leaving sharp, bloodless blades (in spite of the fact it was still held by the skeleton of a long dead man and apparently not moved-perhaps Hurley got Jack cause the vain idiot just had to clean his sword?  Fits the character of someone who’d engrave their own name like that.) lying around in the middle of your room, does leave you somewhat open to attacks by said blades.  Giant Hurley should probably just wake up.  Or maybe get that kraken pet to keep him on his toes.

12. How do people know what these giants have in their collection if everybody’s dead or a ridiculous giant living alone and barely speaking, therefore not spreading rumors about their stash?

I can’t talk about that anymore.  Let’s move on to Hook.

1. You can’t simultaneously sell a character on being a charming rake AND an anguished bereft lover at the same time.  You can arc from one to the other in an actual story, but you can’t just take the same guy and switch him back and forth.  No.

2. He is the most inefficient person yet.  We want the giant out-hey, I’ll yell at him and hope you have decent aim, assuming he bends over enough for you to conceivably hit him in the face with that magic!  We need to find the compass before the giant wakes up-perfect time to meander about, daydream over random gold, and hit on the girl!  THAT’S the guy you want on your team.  Yep.

3. Guy does not have a decent pickup line in him.

4. I really believe he’s just there so the writers can force him to say more painfully shoehorned references like “Tick-tock.”

5. If he heard Emma’s negotiating with the giant, which he seems to seeing as he’s complimenting her on it as she pulls him from the rocks, then how did he miss her arrangements with Hurley over him?  It’s not like they were whispering.

6. Also, Emma?  Ever heard of keeping your enemies closer?  I’m pretty sure that’d be a good idea here.  Also, he’s the one who knows where Cora is and all-that could be pertinent information that I didn’t see anyone prise out of him.  Plus, what’s your obsession with 10 hours?  Couldn’t make it 12 or like, a day?

Oh, and about this compass:

1. Since when do you need that to find worlds?  Bae didn’t need it, Hook didn’t need it before….this is very confusing and inconsistent.

2. I am disappointed by the lack of Pirates of the Caribbean.  Perhaps Hook will fall down the beanstalk and start moving like Captain Jack Sparrow.  Best possible thing that could happen to the character all around, really.

On Aurora and Henry’s nightmare: well done, the best thing this episode.  There are too many wonderful possibilities to expound on here.  Just don’t let me down.

That is all.

Signed,

wheresmytower