Happy National Hobbit Day 2

Happy National Hobbit Day!
(Previous festivities here: https://wheresmytower.wordpress.com/2012/09/22/happy-national-hobbit-day/)

“An Ode to Hobbitiness”


Couldn’t be a Bilbo, and leave it all behind.
Couldn’t be like Frodo, to burden so resigned.
Hardly a Samwise, with smile always on-
Where has all my hobbityness gone?

Not a fan of mushrooms,
My home’s above the ground.
Don’t care much for foot hair,
No garden to be found.

But I love growing things, without the thumb of green-
And rhyme and sing to tell the wheres I’ve been,
Merrily, I’ve stolen time in fields and fireworks-
Could it be my inner hobbit lurks?

Will travel in my time,
Too impatient for the ents.
Won’t worry for the silver,
But electricity and rent-

It’s hard to be a hobbit, without a Party Tree,
Without second breakfast, elevenses, and tea,
Just hosting thoughts of friends too far to see-
Still, I’ll be the best hobbit I can be.

If an apartment can be a homely house,
And savoring meals can make it two-
If I can celebrate simple things,
and friends like me and you

Then a hobbit’s stout heart can face a future scary,
And anything that comes along won’t be too much to carry.
And I’ll survive mistakes as foolish as a Took’s,
And make it there and back again, like hobbits do in books.

So let all hobbit selves appear like burglar Bilbo,
To frolic and indulge as much as they will, though
Real life might return to push the shire away,
Just snack and let it be a Happy Hobbit Day!


Lords of the Rings AND Other Things

In a recent birthday discussion about activities with the Lord of the Rings cast, in literary figures and then in actors, several things became clear.

1. If a magic school the equivalent of Hogwarts began in Middle Earth, its founders would be:

-Elrond for Ravenclaw

-Boromir for Gryffindor

-Samwise for Hufflepuff

-Saruman for Slytherin

2. When visiting a haunted house with a LOTR character, you should take Aragorn.  He’d totally have your back.

3. When on a whale-watching boat, the person to hang out with is Sean Bean.  He has the ability to engage in and enjoy shipboard merriment while simultaneously being aware of the environment and on alert for sightings, even if the other passengers include pranksters.

4. If one had to babysit with someone that someone should be Elrond or Hugo Weaving-can you see the expression on his face when they overhear things he hadn’t wished them to or started running the wrong way?

5. If one of the cast had to be your wedding planner, it should be Andy Serkis.  He’s got directing experience and the ability to make incredibly stressful, going-wrong things laughable.  If it had to be a character, your wedding planner is Faramir. 

6. If one of the cast were to give the first speech at your wedding, it should be Boromir.  He gives short, sweet speeches and appreciates the real life of the party.  Moreover, he’s good at directing everyone else to partake more in the merriment.

7. If one of the cast were stalking you, it should be Billy Boyd.  If one must have a stalker they should be a soulful Scottish singer.

8. The funniest charades partner would be Dominic Monaghan.


Other things have candidates.  For instance

-When going to a haunted house  with the actors, would it be more fun to go with Elijah Wood (reassuringly goofy, but into it) or Liv Tyler (loving the fear, but reassuringly on the brink of laughter)?

-Would the best character stalker be Pippin (hilarious and bearing food) or Legolas (most soothing stalker ever and pretty)?

-Would you rather play charades with Haldir (swishy, painstaking, and interpretive dancey) or Legolas (earnest, stiff, and hilariously helpless at guessing)?

-Who would you most like to maintain an allegedly fancy garden with?  Ian McKellan (“Good work, now let’s knock off and have some iced beverages in our hats”) or Liv Tyler (“All paths lead to beautiful”)?  In characters, would you partner with Elrond (who guarantees both serene learning and a flourishing garden) or Samwise Gamgee (who guarantees growing things and agreement to your plans)?

-Who’d make the best college roommate?  Frodo (quiet, reader, good for dancing at parties and rooting-for-you advice on crushes) or Faramir (quiet, reader, good for hiking and giving perspective on parental issues)?  Or acting-wise, Ian McKellan  or Liv Tyler?

-Who would you like to host a dinner party with?  Gimli (most enthusiastic foodie, good for rousing the carousing) or Bilbo (best thinker of food choices and used to putting up with the worst of manners)?  Ian McKellan or Elijah Wood?

-Would your favorite Middle Earth designer (if all of them became adept for an epic designing show) be Faramir (Symbols, shininess, whites, and blues) or Eomer (Soft cloth, warmth, golds, and burgundies)?

-Who would you most like to bake cupcakes with?  Theoden (coziness, inept comedy, and victory announcements) or Samwise (earnest, peaceful, and up for most of the work)? Or Elijah Wood (goofy, messy, and everything-licking good) or Liv Tyler (calm, sweet partier)?

-Who would you like to ride a roller coaster by?  Galadriel (twinkle-in-her-eye) or Faramir (the light on the horizon is EVERYWHERE)? 

-Who would you most like to read your tarot cards?  Galadriel “(I see things that are, things that were, and some things that have not yet come to pass”) or Bilbo (“This is the most fascinating thing I learned from the elves, let me ponder, hmm”)?  Or Hugo Weaving or Sala?

-Whose self-help book would you most like to read?  Faramir’s “Resisting Rings to find Happiness” or Theodon’s “Getting out of the Ring in your Head”?


Feel free to weigh in with votes, other options, or more questions! 

(For example, ones with too many candidates to put here were With whom would you visit the zoo?  Who’d be the best partner in a non-dangerous but tricksy maze?  And so on!)

Tolkienmas Tale-ol 3: “Return of the King”

To finish commemorating Peter Jackson’s Tolkien films in appropriately festive fashion, I offer a song about “Return of the King,” to be sung to the tune of “Angels We Have Heard On High.”


“Aragorn we have Crowned on High”


Mordor we have breached, today.

Brought the Ring to Mount Doom’s fires

And Gollum’s bite has torn away

Sauron’s hold on our desires.


Burn, in the fiery chasm

Burn, in the fiery chasm



Now heroes claim victory,

Now Lord Sauron’s lost his ring.

And by Gondor’s flowering tree,

Aragorn is crowned the king.


Aragorn, is the king of Gondor

Aragorn is the king of Gondor



Hobbits their way home do wend,

For their Shire has been saved.

Fellowship’s quest is at an end,

Just goodbyes still must be braved.


Frodo sails into the west

Frodo sails into the west

Frodo sails into the west.


For previous ones, go here:  https://wheresmytower.wordpress.com/2012/12/09/tolkeinmas-tale-ols-2-the-two-towers/



The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey



I saw this at the midnight opening.  Yet, there were no lines, there were available seats, and although only 2 hours before midnight, my party got to choose prime seats.  This is not the nerd-experience I expected.  Fun, in several ways more familiar than I was expecting, but just profoundly not the thing I’d been looking forward to.  The film itself I found to be: Exactly Like That.


The main, overall issue that I have with Jackson’s new first film of a Middle Earth trilogy is this: it tried to be exactly the same as his last first film installment of a Middle Earth trilogy:

-Why did it start with an overarching backstory narrative instead of one of the most famous first lines ever?  Because “Fellowship of the Ring” starts that way.  (Don’t get me wrong-that sequence was perhaps my third favorite, but as the opening of a “The Hobbit” experience-hell, no, do the line we know and love, please.  By the way, my reaction to this is a very good indicator of my reactions to the movie in general.)

-Then both have a party in the shire, though the dwarves do change the tone of the comedy.  Both Bilbo’s party in “Fellowship of the Ring” and the dinner party in this one end up with somber proposals for an expedition at Bagend itself.  This particular similarity I don’t mind as everything from dwarves singing about breaking dishes to dwarves singing about the Misty Mountain is definitely my second favorite thing about the whole film, but still-it is there.  Not to mention the fact that the segues to these parties are set on the exact same day, with the exact same cast.

-There are heroic action shots of a journeying company in the exact same manner as the fellowship was shot.

-The fighting stone giants scene is the Hobbit version of the fellowship trying to cross the mountain pass and being turned back by Saruman.

-After which, they wind up underground in caves filled with enemies where all seems inevitably lost and Gandalf faces down the one biggest, toughest, bad guy of all and then falls down into darkness.  The fact that the dwarves fall with him in this version is not that big of a deviation.

-Thorin has been changed to resemble Aragorn-battle-worn, dark-haired, warrior leaders separated from their homeland.  This is fine, until scenes start changing to make the dwarf prince start charging around and being epic-ly glorified.  While pretty, it just kills any thoughts that this might start resembling canon sometime.  Kili is clearly the Hobbit’s version of Legolas.  I cannot find it in my heart to dislike this one, but still it took me straight out of the movie and into comparing shots and going, “Oh, PJ, couldn’t you do something new?”

-It ends with a looming sense of danger and a glimpse of the dark enemies ahead, just like “Fellowship of the Ring.”


The second thing I had a major issue with was that this film kept changing things in order to glorify Bilbo Baggins.

-Firstly, Bilbo Baggins is one of my favorite book characters and he NEEDS no glorification.  I felt insulted on book!Bilbo’s behalf that PJ felt he needed to do those things.

-Secondly, it took away from other characters’ moments.  The troll scene is a great favorite of mine from “The Hobbit” and the trolls get turned to stone because Gandalf copies the trolls’ voices and insults them.  This causes a fight and distracts them long enough for dawn to ossify them.  I was dearly looking forward to seeing this and feel cheated.  When actually thinking about what did happen in the scene, I do realize it was well done, and humorous, and Martin Freeman did it well.  Unfortunately, it’s just not what I wanted to see.  The other time this became a really clear issue was when Bilbo charged the orc to save Thorin.  If it had simply stayed that way and then the eagles had rescued them, it’d be okay.  But instead-like 30 seconds after Bilbo charges the other dwarves follow.  I’m sorry, but if the dwarves were physically capable of charging to save their leader, who they’ve actually known all their lives, are akin to, and believe in, it’s utterly implausible to me that they’d arrive behind Bilbo.  And if I make myself believe it did happen…instead of liking Bilbo better I simply like the dwarves less.  I cannot like the dwarves less at the end of the first film involving them if I’m going to be excited about seeing the second.


Third big movie thought: Riddles in the Dark was glorious.  I’m fairly certain Andy Serkis’s Gollum is incapable of doing anything without being awesome.  Additionally, this was the scene where Bilbo felt more like Bilbo to me.


Other things:

-Thror’s beard is hypnotic.

-Galadriel’s clothes are so ridiculously, dazzlingly, beautiful it was hard to pay attention to anything else.

-I am totally good with the blatant reunion scenes like Galadriel and Saruman showing up at Rivendell.  It’s just so good to see them.

-Radagast the Brown threw me for a loop.  I sat there going, “I have no memory of this.”  On the other hand, it’s been long enough since I read “The Hobbit” that I couldn’t be completely sure I hadn’t just forgotten.  Once I assured myself this actually was a new thing, it kindof rocked.  I’m a fan of smacktalk involving bunnies, saving hedgehogs, and mysterious ghost blades.  Also, Saruman’s scolding about mushrooms even outdoes his chiding of Gandalf in “Fellowship of the Ring” about smoking “the halflings’ leaf.”

-All the elves and their new accoutrement: it is glorious.

-I’m reacting to the Pale Orc the same way I do to purely decorative but not very tasty frosting: I understand why it’s there, so I tolerate it, but I’d sooner it were gone.

-It truly bothered me that at the end no one thanks the eagles for saving them, even a little bit.  No wonder they take so long to show up in Lord of the Rings.

-In the book Bilbo’s grand rejoining of the company after the goblins’ mountain was far more rockstar.  I don’t understand passing up this opportunity.

-With three films to fill I was expecting more of Tolkein’s songs.  Think we’ll get more of that in the next one?




Tolkeinmas Tale-ols 2: “The Two Towers”

The next Christmas carol I’ve bent into service as a festive song to celebrate Peter Jackson and his Tolkein films commemorates “The Two Towers” to the tune of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland.”


“Walking through a Rohan Warrior-land”


Uruks come,

couldn’t miss them.


Are ya listenin’?

Saruman the White, besieges us tight,

Walking through a Rohan Warrior-land.


Gone away is Eomer.

Here to stay is Aragorn.

Protecting us when, it begins again,

Walking through a Rohan Warrior-land.


At helm’s Deep we can fight by the elves

And pullback behind our rows of walls.

They will try to kill us as we slay them,

And Aragorn will see we never lose our balls.


Later on, at 5th sunrise,

Gandalf comes, with our good guys,

Now fight unafraid-uruks’ll get PAID.

Walking through a Rohan Warrior-land.


At Helm’s Deep we can fight with heroes,

And charge out for ruin and the red dawn.

We will win the day for the Rohirrim,

As the ents face Saruman on his lawn.


Later on, with the hobbits,

Isengard’s forced to stop it.

Now mankind’s been saved,

the way has been paved,

Walking through a Rohan Warrior-land.


For the “Fellowship of the Ring” carol see: https://wheresmytower.wordpress.com/2012/12/05/tolkeinmas-tale-ols-1-fellowship-of-the-ring/


Tolkeinmas Tale-ols 1: “Fellowship of the Ring”

For the upcoming release of “The Hobbit”, I have decided to get festive.  The advent of more/mas Tolkein could do with a few carols, or tale-ols as celebrations of Peter Jackson’s past fine work.

Part I is “Fellowship of the Ring” commemorated in song to the tune of “Do You Hear What I Hear?”


“Will You Go Where I Go?”


Said Frodo Baggins to his gardener,

“Will you go where I go?”

As I set off on a quest so far,

“Will you go where I go?”

Due east, due east, into Sauron’s land

with the orcs as numerous as sand?

With the orcs as numerous as sand?


Said Elrond to the gathered lords,

“Will you guard the hobbit?”

As he goes toward fiery Mount Doom,

“Will you guard the hobbit?”

“With sword, with axe, and with elven bow,

We will guard wherever he may go!

We will guard wherever he may go!”


Said Gandalf to the company,

“Fly, you fools, and leave me!”

As I fall down deep in Morria,

“Fly, you fools, and leave me!”

They ran, they ran, in woods, on river beds,

Protected by Aragorn ahead,

Protected by Aragorn ahead.


Said Aragorn to those who still stood near,

“Hold true to each other!”

As the fellowship no longer shared their cheer,

“Hold true to each other!”

Let’s fight, let’s fight, and save the hobbits bold,

Let’s keep Sauron from spreading his hold!

Let’s keep Sauron from spreading his hold!


They kept Sauron from his ring of gold!


Lord of the Rock Operas

What the world needs now is a Lord of the Rings rock opera.  Here’s how it breaks down:


-The human heroes like Aragorn and Bormir are the rock gods.

-Rohan, home of the drum lords!

-Grima Flute Tongue!

-The orcs dance Bollywood (everything could use a little Bollywood).

-Wizards play keytar.

-The Mines of Morrhythm is inhabited by a bal-rap!

-The dwarves are like Stomp.

-Elves are the singers.

-The Eye of Sauron is the great silence, where there is suddenly no music whatsoever.  Because it is evil.


Musical interludes could include:

During the Council of Elrond:

One does not simply ROCK into Mordor!

In the land of Sauron

our hopes will be far gone,

The armies of Mordor

have orcs that are hardcore!


Not 10,000 men

could beard Sauron’s den-

One cannot simply rock into Mordor

We’re on the clock-let’s roll to Gondor!

(*expansive arm gesture as Boromir backs to his chair*)

And the guitar war between Aragorn and Boromir continues.


I see Gollum as having one simple theme music whose verses continue to change to such things as:


Tricksy precious sneaks!

Spies out what we seeks!

So beautiful, so bright!

The precious shall be mine-

Ours, my love!


Master I can se-erve!

Even the hobbit with cur-rves!

We don’t need you here anymore!

Good Smeagol helps now

So-run!  So, run!


They are tricksy, false, liars!

Stupid hobbitses-stupid shires!

The precious is mine!  My own!

We can takes it-us alone!

Our own, my love!


We can commit murd-er,

Herd them up to he-er,

We can survive, sure as sure,

Just trust your precious

Gollum!  Gollum!


Yes? No? Precious?


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